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The Magic Wand of Kindness
My task this week is to write one kind thing about myself daily. For some reason, that is harder than my predictive analytics homework. Why is that so difficult? Why does that make me cringe internally? Why is being a friend to myself so much harder than being a friend to others? If you asked me to say a kind thing to a friend, I’d have multiple at the ready. For myself, I draw a complete blank. To the point I am barely able to form words. Maybe after so many years of tearing myself down, reversing course and choosing kindness is too foreign. It is so much easier to…
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It’s okay not to be okay
Smack dab in the middle of week 1 of school, I hit a brick wall. I wanted to call my dad to tell him about everything. I’d even take a chat with everything repeated a million times, or one where he double checked that there wasn’t a bear in my Texas backyard (dementia is a hell of a disease). But he is no longer with us…and it hit me. Again. He won’t see my girls graduate high school and college next May. He won’t see me finish my MBA. There are so many things he will miss. But also, I know that two things can be true at the same…
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The Walking Wounded
Slowly but surely, I’m coming to realize a simple truth about myself and my life: for longer than I’d care to admit, I’ve been walking through the world like an animal complete with a gaping, bleeding wound. Some time ago, a person I thought was a medic found me and administered a balm to help the wound heal. But it didn’t heal, because this person wasn’t a medic. And what was administered wasn’t a balm to the wound. While the wound didn’t bleed actively anymore, it never scabbed over. It remained raw and painful sometimes. I got used to it. I lived my life with varying degrees of pain; but,…
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The Slow Birth of my Brave
There is someone I have to face. I haven’t seen this person in a year and a half. In May, in what ought to be a joyous and momentous occasion for my children, a part of me will be filled with anxiety and fear regarding seeing this person. In nine months, I need to be ready. This should be a rebirth of sorts, so it is fitting that there is the same gestation period as pregnancy. Can our emotional reactions subside? You always hear ‘everything gets better with time’ but is nine months truly enough time to stop being triggered by the past? By a voice, by a look, by…
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Burn the Boats
Last week, I was perusing Instagram and came across a post from In Our House and Home explaining a phrase their family uses to dispel fear. For some reason, I had never heard this phrase before. I had heard of “who’s gonna carry the boats?” thanks to David Goggins, but nothing about burning them. Basically, burning the boats gives no option for retreat. It means you go all in on your goal and while failure may be an option, quitting isn’t. It is a commitment to following through no matter what. There are many experiences in life I’d love to give up on. Just say ‘forget it’ and throw in…
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That First Breath: Surfacing into Possibility
A couple of weeks ago, I went to an orientation for the MBA program I’m embarking on this fall. Of course, like anyone who has been out of the school system for what feels like a lifetime, I was a bundle of nerves. If I’m being completely honest, the orientation itself did nothing to dispel my nerves about what I will face once the program starts. This orientation gave me something much greater. You see, the past two years have been two of the most challenging years of my life thus far. They have caused me to question my relationships, my decisions, and even myself. I’ve stayed floating in an…
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Walking through the graveyard
Grief comes in many forms. As I have mentioned before, my current state is “dumpster fire.” The ending of an era, the ending of relationships, the ending of life as I knew it before is all weighing on me. One of my homework assignments in therapy is to walk through the metaphorical graveyard of all I’ve lost in the past year, or will lose due to all the changes occurring. To name every single thing, every idea of what was or could be, every good thing and every bad thing, and truly grieve it. Feel the disappointment from lost hopes. Dwell in the hurt from the sudden change in life…
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Outside Looking In
There is a phenomenon in human nature where we look at how another person is handling their life, and make judgements and assumptions about what they should or could be doing instead. We assume someone is stuck, or lazy, and have thoughts like “If I were in their shoes, I would be doing…” Well, the trouble is, you are NOT in their shoes. And your judgment, however well-intentioned, is just that. It is judgment. It is not helpful. I’ve done more than my fair share of research on the effects of emotional abuse, which transparently, is something I experienced for many years. This abuse is insidious, and seeps into the…
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Twist the knife
In my life, there are a lot of hard and heavy things happening. I have been working on myself, on my emotions, on my mental and physical health, and I am not seeing the progress I want to see thus far. It just means I have a ways to go. Which is fine. Acknowledging I’m really not fine is probably the best first step. I’m grieving. Grief takes many forms for many reasons; it is not always a result of death. But it is a very real reaction to circumstances. You can grieve when your children leave for college, or when your pet passes away. You can grieve for a…
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It is time for a ‘Glow Up’
Belly floof. Pudgy arms. Thunder thighs. Every area of your body does not look the way you want it to. You keep showing up daily, but you are disheartened. There isn’t 100% to give anymore; you feel like just being there has to count for something. Sleep wins sometimes; more often than you would like. You are mentally and emotionally (and let’s face it — physically) exhausted. The scale creeps up, a few pounds at a time. Bending over to tie your shoes gets more and more uncomfortable. When this happens to me, my brain goes right to those awful thoughts. Thoughts about my worth, or whether I deserve to…
